The past week has been a rather emotional one for me.  The past two days I could barely function, but managed to get what needed to be done accomplished between being holed up in my room, and some deeply mournful crying jags. (The kind where you put your face in a pillow so that no one can hear you wailing.)  I am missing my sister who was killed in a head on collision 2 years ago.  The ache in my heart just won’t go away.  Thank heavens, these feelings only come in occasional waves now. Who could live like this on a daily basis and for so very long?  I understand there are seven stages in the grieving process.  I have no idea where I am on that chart.  I don’t know that I will ever “get over it”, or that there will ever be a day that I do not think of her or miss her. I just have to continue to learn how to live differently.

There was something about her death that made me feel instantly very old.  I  am not sure whether that was due to the fact that my entire childhood, and everything in the past had her in it, or whether it was because my “mirror” had been ripped from me.  She and I were only 15 months apart in age,and we looked a great deal alike.  We were both a bit vain about our appearance, and took a great deal of pride in looking our best when in public.  Incidentally, I remember going to visit her one time, we had decided to go out to eat, and just as we were getting ready to step out the door to get in the car, she looked me up and down, and said “Wait a minute, let me put on some make up. There is no way you are going to leave here looking better than me!” *laughs*  There was a healthy rivilary between us that way, but the truth is, we loved showing each other off.  We were very proud of each other.

I think part of the instant aging that I feel is that she and I were raised as a “pair.”  Basically, because we were so close in age. It was like having a twin. Until we were older, we were even dressed alike most of the time. We remained very close throughout her life.  There was always “Rita and Judy.” Now, it’s like a part of me is missing.  I feel it in a very real way.   

Too, I know my sister and I had soul ties.  Something much deeper than just being blood relatives. She was one of the very few people that I knew I could lay my soul bare in front of and knew that she would not judge me, and that love would always be present. No matter what.  I could expose the Sinner or the Saint in me, and she loved me all the same.   I am grateful to have known that kind of love.  I am grateful to have had that kind of relationship with my sister. I miss her more than words can say.   

Speaking of aging…I have been trying to erase the signs of aging that all of the trauma has written across my face.  I have found something that is working well for me, and so I will share it here with all of you. It’s called “Derma Wand.”  (Of course, you might be able to get it on Ebay cheaper.) It’s a hand held device that uses electricity to stimulate your skin.   If you watch TV, then I am sure you have seen it advertised and wondered if it works. I have gotten many compliments since I started using it and I can tell the difference my own self.  So yeah, it works!  Maybe one day I will settle into being alright with lines and wrinkles, but today is not the day! :)

I am still taking my morning walks.  I gave myself a break over the weekend, but Monday I plan to hit the pavement walking as soon as I get home from work.  It’s just good for me on so many levels. Besides the physical health benefits, it’s caused me to realize just how busy my mind is.  It just goes on and on and on. And mostly about stuff that’s not even important.  So walking is also becoming a type of meditation for me.  A way to still my busy mind. 

To keep you posted…I have lost the 7 pounds that I gained while on vacation. Woo hoo!  I don’t care if it was water weight, or not, as long as it’s GONE! :)  Now, I need to get on with losing some of that “virgin fat” that Deb spoke of. *laughs*

Until next time, I trust all of you will have a great week that is blessed in every way!

Rita

P.S. Special thanks to Ellen Besso of Midlife Maze who taught me how to put links inside of my words. :)