A new beginning.  Isn’t that redundant?  Isn’t every beginning by definition new?  No.  It isn’t.  I’ve had a thousand beginnings, and most of them have ended in the same way.  I’m speaking of beginning a diet and/or exercise program to lose weight and get healthier.  Occasionally, these beginnings have had good results, a 20 pound loss, a 35 pound loss, and most recently for me, a 60 pound loss.  But most of them have ended badly, and frequently, they have ended much too soon.  And the ones that ended in significant weight loss ultimately ended with me gaining back all the weight plus some more.  Every single time I’ve dieted or started an exercise program, I’ve ended up heavier in the long run, fatter, more out of shape than I was to begin with.  This constant up and down weight loss and gain is what experts call yo-yo dieting.  And all these experts say that yo-yo dieting is more harmful than never dieting and losing excess weight at all.  So, every single one of the beginnings I’ve had have ended in disaster.  Except for the most recent one in which I lost 60 pounds.  And that one could be on its way to another lousy ending if I let it.  I’ve already gained back 15 pounds and lost 5 pounds, for a net loss now of 50 pounds.  Still good, though, right?  Yes.  But not good enough.  Especially if I’m going to keep on struggling to keep it off and watching it creep up as I cringe in horror and then making myself miserable to get some of it back off, hoping, wishing, but not suceeding in even getting back to the original 60 pound loss.  Something has to change.  I need a NEW beginning.  Because what I’m doing obviously is not working.  I want to get back to my 60 pound loss, and I want to move beyond that and lose another 50 or 60.  But my methods are failing me. 

I’ve asked myself how I managed to lose the 60 pounds this last time because I recall it being relatively effortless.  I mean, sure, I ate less and ate healthier choices of food, and I exercised a lot, and pretty much all the diet gurus say that’s the magic ticket to weight loss.  I had the encouragement of my husband and my doctor, too.  And I didn’t mind doing it; I didn’t feel deprived.  I know one thing that really worked for me was self-hypnosis.  But I’ve tried to start again with what I was doing before I stopped doing it, and I can’t seem to get back in the routine now.  I keep telling myself that maintaining the weight loss is good enough for a while, and it was for a while.  But I’m not maintaining now.  I’m gaining.  And that has to stop.

My grandmother used to say, “Start Monday.”  That is always a good time to start anything new, right?  The first day of the business week, a perfect time for the beginning of a diet.  But that allows for a binge over the weekend, right?  I’d better eat everything I will be depriving myself of in mass quantities this weekend, so I won’t miss it so much when I deny myself the goodies next week.  And truthfully what that most of the time resulted in was just one binge after another. 

I’ve asked myself why I stopped doing what I was doing when I was being successful with the 60 pound loss, and the answer is simple and complex.  The simple part is that I fell when I fainted after working out at Curves, and I broke my leg and my finger and sprained a few other things.  I couldn’t exercise for a while.  And I felt sorry for myself, and I like to comfort myself with food.  I know this about myself.  I’m pretty sure there are more complex reasons than all that, though.  I’m not really even sure that I know all the psychological reasons I never stick with a weight loss regimen for the long haul.  Sixty pounds was the longest haul I’ve ever had at one time.  Usually, I bomb out at the magic 25 pound mark.  So, why do I?

I’ve read several books that ask the question, “Why are you fat?”  And I want to answer the question with this answer, the obvious one:  I’m fat because I eat too much and move too little; my calorie intake exceeds my energy release.  That’s true.  On the surface.  But why do I eat too much and move too little?  Why do I sabotage my results at the magic 25 pound mark?  How do I benefit from being fat?  I hate that question!  It implies that I have fun being fat, that it rewards me in some way.  What way does it reward me?  My knees hurt, my feet hurt, I’m tired all the time, I feel sick a lot of the time, my blood sugar isn’t as well controlled as it could be, I have to take medication for diabetes and high cholesterol and high triglycerides.  What is the fun in that?  It’s a ridiculous question!  Or is it?  I really believe that people do whatever we do because it benefits us in some way.  Even if we aren’t sure what the benefit is.  Human beings usually do not keep doing something for which they get no reward.  So, I must be getting some kind of reward for being fat. 

A friend of mine, who is a natural healer, recently told me that she didn’t deal with diet and exercise when clients came to her for weight loss.  She said that most people know about good nutrition and exercise.  I asked her what she did deal with then.  What do you do to help your clients lose weight if you don’t talk about what to eat and what not to eat and how much and how often to move?  She said something quite shocking.  She said, “I deal with their self-love issues.”  What?  Really?  She nodded and smiled.  Wow.  And does it help them?  She smiled again, “Yes, it does.  It helps them heal their bodies, and their spirits, and their minds.  They also lose weight, but that’s incidental.”  I am not sure I believe this, but I know my friend is a reputable healer, so I should believe it.

She recommended a book for me to read, and I have been reading it.  It’s called “Healing Your Life” by Louise Hay.  Hay makes the claim that all sickness and pain is caused by wrong messages we’re telling ourselves.  They may have started with someone else telling us these erroneous messages, probably in childhood, but we are saying these things to ourselves now.  And we get sick because of them.  We get arthritis, colds, even cancer from telling our selves lies that destroy us.  To counteract those evil messages, we need to learn what to say to ourselves instead.  So, her whole basis for having a happier, more loving, more passionate, more financially rewarding, healthier life is positive affirmations.  She says these affirmations will heal us.  Coupled with meditation, they are powerful enough to turn our miserable, sick lives upside down, and start us in a new direction.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.  So, dieting as a way to get long-lasting, permanent results does not work, not for me, anyway.  The proof is in the pudding of my failed diets.  Yet, I want to start another diet on Monday.  Maybe I’m insane!  It certainly does sound that way.  So, why do I hesitate to believe that trying something else, something that on the surface doesn’t even seem to relate to weight loss, will not work while still holding on to the false hope that starting Monday I’ll get different results by doing the same thing again?  I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense.  So, even though I have no idea that this will work for me, I’m going to have a NEW beginning, a completely NEW kind of program, that my friend says will work.  I guess we’ll see.  I’m going to record my efforts here every Friday.  Today, I begin.  Next Friday, I will report on what I did and how I felt it helped me or didn’t make any difference.  I can’t see how it can hurt, but you never know. 

The flower above is called a Don Juan rose.  I grew it out in my yard.  I’ve tried to grow roses before, but I never have any luck with them. My yard is too shady, for the most part.  And it’s been awfully dry last summer and again this summer.  My roses I’ve tried to raise before were in pots on my side porch, which gets adequate sunlight, and which is easy to access for watering.  But before, when I tried to grow roses, they just pooped out and eventually died.  I don’t know why this rose is doing so well.  It’s absolutely gorgeous and growing by leaps and bounds.  It’s not in a pot, but in the ground at the base of my porch where the air conditioning unit puts out a trickle of water every day, especially in this heat.  That rose just loves that spot.  When I planted it, I said, “I’m just going to put it in the dirt and fertilize it and water it, and see what happens.”  If it dies, then I’ve only wasted a few dollars because I bought it on sale cheap.  But, by golly, it’s just doing amazingly well.  I kind of feel about this loving myself thin the same way I felt about that rose.  What do I have to lose except a life of misery, and what do I have to gain except a life of health and abundance.  Just so I don’t gain more pounds!

So, here I go.  Not on Monday, but today, June 27, 2008.  I currently weigh 295 pounds.  I’m taking meds for diabetes, high cholesterol, and high triglycerides.  My goal is to lose enough weight and improve my diet enough that I can stop taking those medications, or at the very least cut down on them.  I already got off blood pressure meds when I lost the 60 pounds last year.  So, I’m going to discover what’s really wrong with me.  I’m going to try to figure out what it is I get from being fat and try to give up whatever that is.  And I’m going to work on my mind and my spirit, hoping my body will follow.  I’ve been told that it will.  We shall see.  Wish me luck!

Deb