A number of years ago, I worked for a Shelter that catered to the needs of abused and battered women.  The signs of their abuse were usually easily seen.  The women showed up with either bones broken, teeth missing, or they were badly bruised.  However, there are thousands of women in emotionally abusive relationships that do not consider what’s taking place in the relationship as abuse, simply because they are not being physically abused. Emotional abuse is just as damaging, if not more so, than physical abuse.  It also often goes undetected by friends and relatives because the damage is not readily seen. This article is being written in an attempt to educate women everywhere, and hopefully, free someone, possibly someone you love, from an emotionally abusive relationship.

What is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse and psychological abuse go hand in hand. I am using the term “emotional abuse” because this is usually where women feel their pain first. The psychological damaging aspects of this type of abuse become well seated in the mind soon thereafter. There’s no way to separate the two. For ease of writing, we will consider them both one and the same.

Abuse is any form of behavior designed to control another person, or make someone submit by using the following tactics:

* Fear

* Humiliation

* Intimidation

* Guilt

* Manipulation

* Coercion

Emotional abuse is any form of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature.  It can include various forms of verbal abuse from constant criticism, belittling, to more subtle tactics such as disapproval, or the failure to ever be pleased. 

Emotional abuse is very much like brain washing. The abuser will often lead the victim to believe that the continual criticism, or belittling, is a form of “teaching” or “guidance.”  The victim is left feeling that she is somehow to blame for all of the abuse, and if she would only try a little harder, be a little nicer, be more loving, lose more weight, be more of this, or less of that, then all would be well in the relationship. The victim eventually loses all sense of self, and self esteem, and becomes unable to see the abuse for what it is. Unfortunately, the victim’s self esteem deteriorates to such an extreme that her worst fear is that she will be left alone, and instead of freeing herself from the abuse, she will cling to her abuser.

There are studies that indicate that the damages inflicted by emotional abuse cut far deeper, and are more lasting, than those of physical abuse. Victims of emotional abuse become so convinced that they are worthless, that no one else could possibly want them, that they begin to feel that they have no where else to turn, and no where else to go.

Recently, I talked with a woman who was involved in an emotionally abusive relationship for 5 long years.  She shared with me that she had forgiven her abuser of numerous affairs because he managed to convince her that his infidelities were all her fault.  If only she had been more attentive, or hadn’t made him upset, or hadn’t been so caught up in her own problems, etc., then he wouldn’t have have found another woman to have sex with.  The relationship was a constant emotional roller coaster ride.  He would cheat on her, blame her for it, make her feel sorry for what “she” had done, “teach” her how she could have prevented his “bad boy” behavior, tell her how much he really loved her, and make a weak apology for his “small part” in the whole matter.  He would treat her like a Queen for a few weeks, sometimes even a few months, before the cycle started all over again.  The abuser damaged her self esteem to the point that he actually had her believing that she was chopped liver, and she was lucky to have him.  She didn’t want to lose him. After all, in her mind, no one else would have her.  And too, he wasn’t bad “all of the time.”  There were times when he actually made her feel loved and special.

I asked this victim what finally gave her the courage and incentive to leave this emotionally abusive relationship?  She stated that the lights came on when her mother died, and during her intense time of grieving, the abuser used it as an excuse to have another affair, because she was “emotionally unavailable.”  She realized that he was not there for her in any real way that mattered, and she began to realize that her misery outweighed any brief moments of happiness she had known with him.  She also realized that she had survived the loss of her own mother, and she could certainly survive without this man in her life.  She walked out and reclaimed her life.

There are many women AND men who are going through similar emotionally abusive relationships. They may have lost all sense of their own self, and may need help recognizing the relationship for what it is. They may need help to get out of the relationship.  If you know anyone who needs to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship, please direct them to this article.  It may be the switch that turns on the light for them also.

With much love,

Rita