HomeSpunHealers

(Photo from www.fairfaxcounty.gov)

“I can honestly say that I was never affected by the question of
the success of an undertaking. If I felt it was the right thing to do, I
was for it regardless of the possible outcome.”

Golda Meir
(1898-1978, Prime Minister of Israel, 1969-74)

 I have recently been exposed to a problem that my mother has that I have known about my whole life, but that has gotten really bad over the past few years.  Her problem is that she is a compulsive hoarder.  My father and I used to help her keep it under control when we lived with her.  From about 10 years old, I was the “housekeeper” in my home.  My father worked outside the home, sometimes 7 days a week, so the house cleaning was my mom’s territory.  She was what I would call “messy” then.  She had a problem with clutter accumulating in various areas: her dresser in her bedroom, the hutch in the kitchen, the top of the floor model TV.  And she would wash clothes and then pile the dried clothes in a large chair in the junk room, which she always had an open ironing board in.  I thought everyone had one “junk” room in which things were piled up.  I thought this was normal.  But as I visited others’ homes, I noticed that some were messy, but most were cleaned up and picked up all the time, every single room.  And I longed for a home like that.  So, I became the “housekeeper.”  In fact, although I resented the fact that my mom didn’t do more housework herself, I sort of enjoyed the peace and order and cleanliness that followed my house cleaning chores.  Sometimes, I would venture to clean off my mother and father’s dresser, throwing away a lot of stuff that seemed useless to me.  Invariably, I would get blamed for a missing important piece of paper that had some vital information on it.  So, I only cleaned the dresser a few times in my life.  Eventually, I moved out, and my dad began to help with the onslaught of clutter.  We never talked about it, but I don’t really think he knew how much of a help I was in managing the situation until I went off to college and then moved out for good when I got married.  Occasionally, he and Mother would have a big clean-up and would throw away massive quantities of “junk.”  I truly believe that is how my wedding dress and hat were disposed of and all the many, many pictures that were taken when I was a small child went missing.   I guess they were small sacrifices to make to help dig them out of the heaps of clutter in the house. 

So, even though I know this has been a lifelong problem for her, I only recently found out how bad it had gotten.  My dad died in 1999.  He had been sick for a while before he died, but mainly the clutter had been delegated to the spare bedroom that my grandmother occupied when she lived with them for over six years.  When it was time to receive visitors before the funeral and after, my mom was okay with folks coming in because the house wasn’t embarrassing then.  I visited my mom many times after that, and I noticed each time that the clutter was a little worse.  Eventually, it got bad enough that I insisted on coming over to help her clean up.  She didn’t want me in her bedroom, but I insisted, and I was appalled at how cluttered it had become.  My son and I both worked in there until we could get the floor empty enough to vacuum and clean the carpet.  There were still huge piles of clothing and magazines and other “stuff” that I thought could just be thrown out, but she insisted she would do it, and she basically asked us to leave.  She said she appreciated what we were doing for her, but I could tell that it was really stressful for her.  I never went back for another cleanup session after that one time.  I offered to many times, but she wouldn’t hear of it.  Every time I wanted to see her, we would arrange for me to meet her somewhere, but I wasn’t ever invited into the house.  About two years ago, she had to have minor outpatient surgery, and we arranged ahead of time for me to pick her up and take her for the surgery, and then she would stay with me for a couple of days until she had her followup doctor’s appointment.  When I was taking her home, she didn’t want me to go inside, but I needed to help her get her overnight bag and her cat’s carriet inside.   The clutter was bad, really bad.  I wanted to help her by taking out a few cardboard boxes that nearly made the hallway impassable, but she just wanted me to leave.  I could feel the tension and anxiety about me questioning the clutter, so I just left.  After that, she has not let me inside.  Not until two weeks ago.

She called me and confessed.  It seems she had fallen in her kitchen and couldn’t get up.  She wasn’t near a phone, so she couldn’t call for help.  She sat on the kitchen floor for over 20 hours before her hairdresser called her minister because she didn’t show up for her weekly hair appointment.  My mother never misses her weekly hair appointment.  The situation ended up with the minister and the rescue squad and police officers at her locked door.  The police were able to enter the kitchen where she was, and the EMTs were able to get her on her feet.  She wasn’t hurt physically, but she was devastated emotionally because someone had finally seen the squalor of her home.  One EMT fussed at her, making her cry, but the more sensitive female EMT talked to her about her safety.  They insisted that for her safety, she unblock the windows and the doors so that if something in the future did happen to her, they would be able to get a gurney and life saving equipment in to her.  That made sense to her, and she realized that she had to do something, so she called me.  I think she was afraid that the minister would call me, but he didn’t.  In fact, if she hadn’t told me the whole story, I wouldn’t have known about the incident.  It terrified me to think of her sitting on the floor for over 20 hours.  What if she had broken a hip?  What if she had a heart attack?  What if she needed insulin, and she went into a diabetic coma?  But she wasn’t hurt; and if I hadn’t insisted, she wouldn’t have let me help her with this problem.  In fact, I don’t think she really sees it as a problem.  She’s embarrassed, yes.  She understands the danger of it.  But she can’t do anything about it.  She’s a hoarder.  She can’t stop accumlulating things, and she can’t bear to part with anything.  She’s also weak physically, so she has a really hard time even taking out the trash because it’s a long walk (to her) to the back alley where her trash recepticle is located.

I won’t even try to relate the horror of what I saw when I finally went to her house.  She can’t use her kitchen at all.  The double sink is piled above the window with dirty dishes full of decaying food.  The stove is the same way, piled high with dirty pots and pans full of decaying food.  There is so much stuff piled on the floor that she has a very narrow walkway from the back door to the hallway and back to her bedroom, to the bathroom, and to the laundry room at the back of the house.  Everything else is piled nearly to the ceiling with “stuff.”  Some of the stuff is brand new stuff; some is pure garbage, rotting food, and trash bags that she’s filled and set aside in case she ever did get it out to the back alley.  There are boxes and cans of food that she buys every week, tossed in with bags of old out of date canned food and boxed food that she has meant to throw away.  In between, mixed in well, are bags of sprouting or rotting or almost completely decayed potatoes, onions, apples, and oranges.  There are a multitude of small plastic bags of cat waste that she removes from the cat’s potty pan, bags she has meant to throw away with the other bags of trash.  The stench is almost unbearable.  So, this is where I wanted to start.  She wanted to start at the back of the house in the laundry room.  So, that is where I started.  In one day, about 8 hours of straight work with no breaks except to go to the bathroom twice (and I won’t go into that horror), I managed to get to the floor of the laundry room, the windows cleared so that she could see into the back yard again, and the place cleared enough so that she can now get her washing machine replaced.  She uses her dryer to dry things she washes by hand.  Everything else is just stacked up.  And if she runs out of clean clothes, she buys more.  But that task was an easy one although it was tough physical labor.  That was all trash that she didn’t mind me throwing away.  It felt good to accomplish so much in just one day, but the kitchen was still there, and I wanted to attack it the next trip over to help her.  That was Monday. 

She wanted to concentrate on clearing the doorway to the living room because that was what the EMTs had such a fit over, or so she believes.  What lies on the other side of the kitchen behind that blocked doorway, I’d rather not face right now.  I just wanted to clean the kitchen to the point where she could cook again and wash dishes again and clean out the refrigerator so she could use it again.  She’s not eating well.  She eats fast food and junk like cookies and candy.  She’s diabetic, so she needs to eat healthy.  But I worked all day with her, and we never did get to what I consider the necessities.  In fact, because she wanted to handle all pieces of paper and look in all bags and check all dates on food containers, it was a very slow process.  But I honored her wishes and needs, and I helped as much as I could in the painstaking excavation.  I carried out about 15 bags of pure garbage and about 20 or so boxes.  The real problem is that there are good, usable items all mixed in.  And she wants to keep every single one of them, even the spilled packets of Splenda that were mixed in with filthy trash that needed to be thrown out.  I would have just tossed them all when I swept up the filth, but she insisted on picking up every single packet and throwing them on the top of the pile.  This is why after 8 hours of cleaning, we had made no discernable progress.  But I’m going back today to try again.  I told her that I had nightmares about her not being able to cook or use her refrigerator or wash her dishes.  She doesn’t like me having nightmares, so even though she tried to give me the same excuse she’s been using for years to get me to stay away, the “I can get the rest by myself” excuse, after taking a few days to recuperate with my family in my own clean home, she is allowing me back in to try to help her.

The task seems insurmountable.  If I didn’t love her so much and fear for her health, I would give up and let her live that way.  After all, outside of her house, she seems quite normal.  She’s always amazingly clean and well-dressed.  She keeps her medical appointments and gets pretty good reports from her doctors.  She goes to church Sunday mornings and Sunday evenings and Wednesday evenings.  She has friends from church with whom she does things.  But no one comes in to her house.  And even though the EMTs know the truth, even her minister who was there that afternoon does not know the full horror of it.  He didn’t come inside.  She’s made him promise not to send in a cleanup crew from the church.  She doesn’t trust anyone else but me to come inside and know what it’s like.  And that places a big burden on me, but one that I accept.  She’s my mother, and she needs me.  Maybe at some point, she will allow me to have some help, but for now, she is counting on me and me alone to know about her secret. 

I don’t know what the result of me going there once a week, or even twice a week this week, to work on the clutter will produce.  I doubt I will be able to get her house into shape so that she will be willing to let neighbors in for a cup of coffee.  But I have been able to replace one lightbulb in her hallway so that she doesn’t have to walk through the clutter in darkness at night, and I have been able to put the chain back on her flush valve so that she can flush her toilet.  And if I can figure out a way to get the filthy dishes out of the way (I am thinking there is nothing to be done but to carry them outside) so that she has access to her sink and her stove again, and if I can get the floor cleared in front of the refrigerator so we can get the door open and get that cleaned out so she can put good food inside, then I won’t worry too much about the garbage and other things still piled high over and under and around her table on the other side of the kitchen.  If I can get that done this time, then I can come home and sleep without waking up shaking and remembering the stench.  Then maybe next time, next week, I can start to work on clearing that doorway that she feels she must clear.  And the week after that, maybe we can get her pantry emptied of all the out of date food so that she can put the good food in there and out of the floor.  I’m not sure what to do with all the other stuff that is not kitchen related in there.  Maybe it will just have to stay piled on the kitchen table and on the floor underneath and all around it for a while.  I won’t think of the other rooms.  I’ll take this one visit at at time.  And I’ll try so very hard not to let myself get discouraged if I don’t see any improvement when I leave her.  I’ll measure my success by how much I have piled out in the alleyway in and around the trash receptacle.  And I will remember the chain on the toilet and the light bulb and perhaps even the empty sink and stove and clean refrigerator.  And I will honor her and respect her wishes as much as I can.  This is a severe psychological disorder.  She is delicate, and I am the strong one, and I’ll have to move forward in faith that this will make a positive difference in her life.

“Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I
do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forward
to those things which are before, I press toward the mark
for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.”

Phil. 3:13,14

I firmly believe that every person born on this planet is here by divine design and they have a specific reason (or reasons) for being here.  That includes you. There are no mistakes.  You may not have grown up in the best surroundings, or with the best parents, or with the best that money can buy, but that says nothing about who you are or who you are meant to be.  It says where you came from. It does not dictate where you are going.  Unless, of course, you choose to carry the hurt, pain, disappointment and difficulty of the past into the present and future.

Forgetting those things which are behind. Staying stuck in a hurtful past does not serve us well. It breeds bitterness, resentment, anxiety, anger, hostility, fear, and a host of other unpleasant emotions that will only cripple us and weigh us down. We are wise to leave all the junk in our past behind us. If we live long enough we are going to experience the full spectrum of life. Who hasn’t had their heart broken?  Who hasn’t experienced the death of someone much loved?  Who hasn’t known difficult financial times? Who hasn’t known betrayal at the hands of someone trusted? Who hasn’t been disappointed, or worried, or afraid? In this life we will experience both the sunshine and rain. Learn from it. Teach others what you have gleaned from it. Hopefully, they will listen and avoid the same hard lessons. (We are here to help others also.) Grow because of it. Be wiser, more compassionate, more tolerant and patient because of what you have experienced, and then move forward!

Be the victor over your past and not the victim. It is our choice.  I did not say it would be easy. We are encouraged to “reach forward” and to “press toward the mark for the prize of our high calling.”  Reaching and pressing takes real effort on our part. In other words, no one can do it for you. Better yet, no one will do it for you. We each get the grand and glorious task of designing our own future, and that’s inspite of what the past may have been like.  Many of us don’t take the time to think about what we want our future to look like, but if we want real change, we must first decide what it is that we really want. Do you know? Do you want more peace in your life? Then take a look at what is robbing you of it and decide what changes are needed to make to create more peace. Do  you want your life to be surrounded by those who truly love, appreciate, and respect you? You may need to go through a weeding process to eliminate those who do not. You already know who they are. Do you need to increase your income to become more comfortable and to have the things you need? Determine the things that have kept you from that, and take the steps necessary to create more abundance in  your life. 

Spend some time daydreaming about the life you wish to have.  Meditate on it. See yourself already enjoying the life you want. Start taking steps in that direction.  The seeds of those thoughts that you plant today, and continue to think on and cultivate, will take root and grow tomorrow. We do not have to remain victims because of a painful or difficult past. We can choose to be victorious and rise above it. It is your life to live.  Re-claim it and design the life you want. Reach forward and press toward the mark for the prize of your high calling. You are worth it.

Most of us do not recall what it was like to live during the economic depression of the 1930’s.  In comparison, we have had it easy.  We don’t know what it’s like to have our pay cut drastically, or to wander the streets looking for work and food, and not being able to find either. 

I didn’t live during those times but I remember my grandparents talking about their experiences and how devastating it was.  Those that lived during those times were forever impacted by them.  Even when the economy was much improved, they would not live beyond their means, would not buy things on credit, and still they wasted nothing.  I think they even passed their fear and extremely frugal ways onto their children, and caused them to become “pack rats” “because you never know when you are going to need something.”

Those that lived during the economic depression would not throw away anything. They hoarded everything. They re-used things as many times as possible. Clothes were patched and clothing that was outgrown was passed down. Blankets that were wearing out were sewn together and made into quilts and covered with mulit-colored scraps of fabric left over from other sewing projects or from clothes that were beyond repair. Left overs at meal time were converted into soup or casseroles. Stale bread was transformed into bread pudding, and left over rice became dessert in the form of rice pudding. They couldn’t afford to go out and buy cooking oil, so any meat grease from frying bacon (if you were lucky enough to have it) was saved for cooking later.  Vegetable gardens were not a hobby, they were a necessity. Everyone who managed to keep their own homes had a garden.  The gardens were huge and they canned their own vegetables and made sure they had enough to carry them through the winter.  They also raised their own chickens for meat and eggs. They couldn’t afford to buy bread. They made their own. Biscuits were a daily staple.  People also bartered a lot. If one person had something that another needed, and the other had something of value to exchange, then a swap was made.  And of course, there were those soup lines for those who simply had nothing at all if you brought your own bucket.

I am sure most did without electricity, and they had wood stoves to keep warm in the winter. They did without the conveniences we take so much for granted now.  I would think that sunrise and sunset took on a whole new meaning when you cannot afford to keep oil lamps burning for hours on end.

My grandfather once told me that if my generation were to experience an economic depression like the one that they lived through that we would not survive, because we spend more than we make, we buy homes on credit that our beyond our real means, we buy too much of everything on credit, we save very little if at all, and we don’t know the first thing about living off the land, growing our own food, and how to make something out of nothing.  We are a spoiled generation. I think he was probably right.

We watch the news daily and hear that the stocks are bottoming out, that businesses are closing, banks are folding, the auto industry is going bankrupt, and that people are losing their jobs and their homes. Currently, unemployment is at 9 percent.  Yet, we hear this news as if it’s in some distant land because it hasn’t touched most of us in any real way yet. But it’s going to touch us. I sincerely feel that by next year this time, if not sooner, we will all feel the crunch of the economic crisis that our country finds herself in.

We can take steps now to make things less painful for us later. 

•  Look at your 401k plan.  If you haven’t already done so, move your money away from stocks, and invest it in Cd’s or other things that are secure.  Your return might not be as great, but we are focusing on security right now. With banks folding up, the auto industry in despair, and companies going bankrupt, nothing is a sure gamble. So don’t!
• Stop spending and start saving as much as possible. This is going to be difficult during the holiday season that is fast approaching, but don’t get caught up in the “guilt of giving.”  Limit yourself on what you can and will spend.  To repeat myself in a past article “What can you honestly give another adult that they cannot give their own self?”  If you have been brainwashed into believing that the dollar amount of your gift shows how much you care, it’s time to trash that concept, and get back to “it’s the thought that counts” belief system. 
• Practice the art of being frugal. Stop tossing out the left over meals and get creative and turn that meal into something entirely different, or if there are enough left overs, just freeze it and serve it again another time.  Save on electricity by turning off lights and keeping the thermostat turned down.  Clip store coupons,and buy only what’s on sale at the grocery store, and plan your meals around that.  There’s lots of things you can do to cut away the excess that’s eating up all of your money. ( Please leave your frugal tips in the comment section!)
• Start planning for your own vegetable garden this Spring. Vegetables are expensive! Have you noticed the price of tomatoes at the grocery store? You will do your wallet a big favor if you start growing your own vegetables, and you will benefit from the exercise also.  Plant some fruit trees while you are at it. The dwarf variety mature faster. Oh, and if you have the space for it, build a small chicken coop way in the back yard. If you do the proper maintence and clean up there’s no horrible smell premeating your property. You will love those fresh eggs, and you will have enough to share. Those that you share with will remember you when they have something extra to share also. (Special thanks to Berly who keeps me well stocked in some of the best country eggs this side of North Carolina!)
• Hone up on those hunting and fishing skills. Get back to nature and the abundance that is all around you. If you have never had venison then you are missing out. When it’s cooked right it tastes just like beef! Not only that, it’s super lean and much better for you. You can serve it as a roast with potatoes, onions,and carrots, or as a stew, or country fried steak with gravy. You can make your own breakfast sausage, or venison burgers. You can even make your own barbque served on hamburger buns with cole slaw. Anything you can do with pork or beef, you can do with venison. It is super good!  Hunting will keep you stocked with meat in the winter,and fishing will keep you well supplied in the summer, spring and early fall.
• Avoid eating out every week. We all spend way too much money on eating out at restaurants or fast food places. Pack your lunches for work, and instead meeting your friends for lunch or dinner out, take turns eating and socializing at each other’s home. It’s not only less expensive, but it’s more comfy also.
• Learn the art of bartering. Bartering is when you trade goods or a service in exchange for the same. Money is not involved.  You may already know those who have a skill that you could exchange for a skill or something that you have that they need.  There is a great place on the net called “Craig’s List” that has a place to post what you are willing to barter for anything you might need in exchange. It’s nationwide.
• Recycle. Americans are probably the most wasteful people on the planet. Stop throwing stuff away that you no longer need or want. Just because you don’t use it, or like it, or need it anymore, there is someone else who does. It’s junk to you, but it’s needed by someone else.  There’s a great organization online that allows you to post what you want to give away. You post the item, and someone else emails you to tell you that they need it and then you set up arrangements for them to haul it away. I have seen everything given away on there. Anything from whole living room suites, bedroom suites, washers, dryers, stoves, refrigerators, swings sets, exercise equipment, toys, books, tv’s …you name it…sooner or later they have it. And it’s all free!  Check out www.freecycle.org  for a group in your area.
• Stop wasting money on entertainment. You don’t have to rent movies anymore. Your local library now has DVD’s that you can check out. Instead of buying a book that you will only rend once, check one out at the library also. Put those libraries to good use!  You can also check out what’s going on at your local community colleges too. Very often they have plays you can see or an orchestra that you can attend for very little and very often for no fee at all.  Search for the free entertainment that is taking place in your own area.

The list doesn’t stop there. I am sure many of you have many frugal money saving tips that you can pass along to educate and help the rest of us.  Please leave them in the comment section. So, tell me…How frugal are you? 

Twelve Secrets to Living Stress Free

- Guy Finley

Discover the Secrets of Being Unstoppable!

It’s time to start thinking about how we will handle the Christmas season that is fastly approaching.  It’s no secret that the cost of living has sky rocketed or that our Country is in serious financial trouble.  It stands to reason that the majority of Americans will not be in a financial position to be as generous as they may have been in times past.  It’s definetly time to make some changes in our gift giving practices.  We don’t have to give until it hurts. Especially, when our pocket books are hurting already. 

Still, we probably don’t want to act like the original “Scrooge” and forego gift giving altogether. So, we will need to be more creative. I offer the following suggestions:

• Set a budget and stick to it!  Consider realistically what you can spend without putting yourself in a bind.  Everything else that you consider will have to remain within this budget.  If you only have $100.00 to blow on gifts, then your creativity will have to come into play, and you will have to shave some names off of your gift giving list.  You know how it goes every year. You end up getting a gift from someone totally unexpected and then you make a mad dash to the store to buy one more gift that you simply cannot afford.  This year, buy THANK YOU notes for those occasions, and mail them out promptly.  STAY WITHIN YOUR BUDGET!  The day after Christmas, you will be glad you did.
• Inform your children in advance that you are doing things a bit different this year. Especially if they are use to Christmas morning looking as though they just hit the lottery, and you went terribly into credit card debt to get it for them.  Children are alot more understanding than we give them credit for if they are allowed the right information.  You can start new traditions that revolve around the spiritual aspects of Christmas, instead of the materialistic ones that create havoc on your budget, and create unnecessary stress.  Even Jesus, the King of Kings, only got 3 gifts on his birthday. Consider creating a 3 gift rule for your children as well.
• Consider giving “couple gifts” to all the married folks in your family.  In times past, I have bought gifts my children,and then gifts for their spouses.  I am not doing that this year. Instead, I am buying one gift for each couple. It is less expensive this way. If you really want to kill several birds with one stone, then consider giving one gift per family. If the couple has children that are a bit older, then purchasing a game for the entire family to share is an excellent idea.  You are not only giving them something fun, but giving them some family time together as well.
• Forget the gifts altogether and throw a party!  For a number of years now, I have tried to create stress free holidays for my family and friends. Especially at Christmas time. Honestly, what can you give another adult, that they cannot buy their own self, if they really wanted it? I would be willing to wager that most of the stuff bought at Christmas time probably gets re-gifted or stuffed away somewhere never to see the sunlight again. It’s a ridiculous waste of money that’s prompted by some false guilty obligation and commercialization.  Just stop the insanity!  Why not make a memory instead?  Invite all of your family and friends over for a Christmas party. Have everyone bring a finger food, and play some group games.  Decorations, Christmas music, the laughter and fellowship of your family & friends, set the tone for a night to be remembered long after the holiday season is over.  Let everyone know in advance that the party is your gift to them, and their presence is all the gift you need in return.
• Candy, cookies and cakes. Oh my!  Gifts from your kitchen make inexpensive and thoughtful gifts for co-workers, teachers, and all of those other misc. people on your Christmas list.  Metal gift containers can be purchased inexpensively. Keep the size of the container in mind when purchasing. Too much cake, cookies, or candy to any one person is over-kill. You are trying to give them a delicious thoughtful treat, not feed their neighborhood, or add inches to their waist band.  Not to fail to mention that baking can get expensive if you over-do your gift packaging.
• Create your own gift baskets! Instead of spending lots of money on already packaged gift baskets in the store, why not make your own?  There’s a neat book featuring 101 gift basket ideas. Check it out!
• It’s the thought that counts!  You don’t have to go into debt buying gifts for your significant other either.  I can think of a whole lot of things you can do with a dollar bottle of baby oil and some “massage night” coupons. *laughs*  That’s just for starters to get your mind wandering. I am sure you can come up with plenty of gift coupon ideas on your own.
• Last, but not least, what to give to those super greedy folks on your Christmas list.  How about donating a chicken to some third world country in their name?  It will teach them the true spirit of Christmas,and give you a good laugh at the same time.  My kind of gift. *laughs* Besides all that, it will really do a lot of good for those who are hungry, hurting, and poor.

I am sure you have plenty of budget friendly ideas of your own, and I would love to hear about them in the comment section!