HomeSpunHealers

I am fortunate to have grown up in a spiritual environment, and for having been taught early on to watch what I say because of the power that my words hold.  One example of this teaching comes from Proverbs 18:21 that goes something like this (depending on what version you read): “Death and life are in the power of the tongue; and those to whom it is dear will have its fruit for their food.”  Now that’s powerful stuff!  I think that verse is fairly self explanatory, but to break it down even further, it could read something like this: “If you love to talk, be careful what you say, because your words are powerful. You are blessed or cursed with your own words,and you will have what you say.”

No wonder I cringe when I hear other people say things like: “I can’t have anything!”, “If it weren’t for bad luck, I would have no luck at all.”, ”As soon as I get a dollar, it flies right out the window!”, or ”Nothing I do ever turns out right.” etc, etc.,etc.  Talk about cursing your own life!!!  It’s time to become more mindful of what’s passing through your own lips.  Old habits can be changed,and the habit of filling your mouth with words of negativity certainly is a habit that needs changing. In fact, make it a priority to change it.

With our own words, we not only have the power to bless or curse our own selves, but we also have the power to bless or curse our marriages, our families, our friendships, and our careers.   It’s shameful to hear how some people speak to those closest to them. I have heard things said to a child that one would never dare say to someone old enough to stand up for theirself.  I have heard words exchanged between couples that are anything but uplifting.  No wonder the divorce rate steadily climbs!  I hear those that have nothing good to say about the jobs that they hold.  It’s no surprise that they never get a raise or move ahead in their career.

What a difference we would see around us when we start using the power of our words to bless our own lives and the lives of others, to heal instead of hurt, and to build up instead of destroy.

It’s been awhile since I’ve done this,but I didn’t want you to miss out a super website that should come in handy for all of our readers who are frugal and trying hard to stretch their food dollars because of the high cost of gas and food prices.   Check out Hillbilly House Wife. She has two grocery plans. One is a $45.00 Emergency Food Plan for a week for a family of four-six, and the other is a $70.00 Emergency Food Plan for a week for a family of four - six.  They come complete with daily menus,daily prep list, shopping lists,and recipes. Hurry on over and check her out!  You will find her here: http://www.hillbillyhousewife.com/40dollarmenu.htm

Also, for all of our readers who are trying to track calories, or find out how many calories you need to stay within to reach a certain weight loss goal, I highly recommend: http://www.sparkpeople.com

Take a good look at that picture.  It’s hard to imagine that a tiny spider could kill a bird many times it’s size.  How did that ever happen?  Mostly likely, the spider bit the bird to stun it, or paralyze it, and then began spinning a web quickly around it.  I would suppose that the bird tried to wiggle free numerous times before the web around it grew so tight that it became impossible.  I imagine that each time the bird would regain it’s senses and abilities, the spider would bite again, and spin it’s web a little tighter.  At some point, the bird stopped struggling and yielded to a slow painful death.  When I saw this picture, I could not help but see the similarities between the spider’s victim, and the victims caught up in abusive relationships. 

I am writing this as the second part of an earlier article: http://www.homespunhealers.com/emotionally-abusive-relationship  Be sure to read it first if you haven’t already.  It refers to the symptoms and signs of emotional abuse.  This article is being written as an exit plan for those suffering any type of abuse in a relationship.

Now that we clearly understand what abuse is, how do we go about removing ourselves from it’s web?  I am going to make a few suggestions, but please understand that they are not the only solutions available. The suggestions offered here are to serve as a spring board to formulate action.  So let us begin…

* Confide in someone.  Tell someone else that you trust about abuse you are suffering. It goes without saying that it should be someone that you know will not go to the abuser and share what has been said.  If at all possible, get into counseling. 

*  Facilitate an exit plan.  If you are actually living with the abuser, then leaving is all the more difficult. The abuser usually makes sure that they are in control of all finances, etc.  Still, help is available and THERE IS A WAY OUT.  Create two exit plans.  One plan in the event that you have to leave in a hurry, and another plan if you have time to prepare.  Prepare to do the following:

A) Look in the phone book and call a Woman’s Shelter. You do not have to give your name, and someone there can help you with a safety plan.

B) Hide an extra set of house keys and car keys somewhere outside the house. You might have to leave in a hurry.

C) Pack a bag in advance and hide it at a friend or neighbor’s house.  Avoid using next door neighbors, or nearby friends where the abuser might find this bag.  Things to include in this bag:

* Emergency cash, credit cards, extra clothes for you and your children

* A favorite play thing for each child.

* Medicines that you or your children take on a regular basis.

* Health insurance cards, birth certificates and immunization records for you and your children, school records, deed or lease to your house or apartment, check book and extra checks, social security cards for you and your children, green card/work permit, court papers or orders, drivers license or photo ID, pay stubs, and any other legal documents that you feel you might need.

* A list of the phone numbers of family, friends, and the numbers to your local woman’s shelter.

* If physical abuse is also involved, pack the evidence that you have been collecting of the abuse in this bag also.

* Photos and jewelry that you want to keep.

(PLEASE NOTE: If you are in a dangerous situation and need to leave immediately, FORGET the bag or what you will take with you, and just GO! Your safety is much more important than these things. The exit bag is only for those instances when someone has time to plan in advance.)

D) Getting a Protective Order might be part of your exit plan, or you can ask the police to escort you out of the house as you are leaving. 

E) If it is necessary for you to leave secretly, start making plans to cover your tracks.  A domestic violence worker, or a women’s abuse shelter, can help you facilitate this plan.

As you are leaving…

* Grab the bag you hid and all the documents you need. (Again, if it’s an emergency…Just GO!)

* Create a false trail.  Call hotels, real estate agencies, and schools at least six hours away from where you really plan to be.  Ask questions that will require them to call you back at your old phone number. Which is, of course, the abuser’s phone number.

* Leave when your abuser will least expect it. This will give you more time to get away before the abuser knows you are gone.

Finally, do not tell anyone that might tell the abuser where you are located.

The above plan is for those in extreme cases.  For many people, the most drastic step you will need to take is simply to remove yourself emotionally and stop all communication with the abuser. As simple as that sounds, it will be difficult for those caught up in the emotionally abusive web. 

I trust this article will help someone on their journey to freedom.  You will find another excellent article on abusive relationships at: http://ellenbesso.com/midlifemaze/?p=175.

Please feel free to leave your own comments, tips, and suggestions for those struggling to get free.

It is often said that half the battle is within the mind. With liberty, I would up that percentage to at least eighty. I am well aware that circumstance plays a role in our success. Being in the right place at the right time never hurts. However, if we are of the right mindset the energy we create can make all the difference.

I was recently given some important information about the way I see life. In the past, I’ve viewed life through glasses tinted with fear. Fear is a dark cloud that makes it quite difficult to see clearly. It envelopes and disables. Very clearly, I was told that my inability to succeed was in direct relation to the way I think. My fear of failure has created an atmosphere of failure.

The Universe is listening. Speak it. Think it. Have some regard to what it is you are thinking and speaking, however. Does this mean you have to turn into Little Miss Sunshine? Certainly not. We all have bad days. We all have life happenings that drag us down a bit when they occur. The key is to make sure your mindset isn’t stuck on negative.

In my case, I’ve had to learn to feel the fear without letting it immobilize me. Have I completely conquered this? No. I still handle this on a daily and sometimes hourly basis, but the important thing is that I am taking control of those thoughts and making a conscious decision to turn them around into something more positive.

A number of years ago, I worked for a Shelter that catered to the needs of abused and battered women.  The signs of their abuse were usually easily seen.  The women showed up with either bones broken, teeth missing, or they were badly bruised.  However, there are thousands of women in emotionally abusive relationships that do not consider what’s taking place in the relationship as abuse, simply because they are not being physically abused. Emotional abuse is just as damaging, if not more so, than physical abuse.  It also often goes undetected by friends and relatives because the damage is not readily seen. This article is being written in an attempt to educate women everywhere, and hopefully, free someone, possibly someone you love, from an emotionally abusive relationship.

What is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse and psychological abuse go hand in hand. I am using the term “emotional abuse” because this is usually where women feel their pain first. The psychological damaging aspects of this type of abuse become well seated in the mind soon thereafter. There’s no way to separate the two. For ease of writing, we will consider them both one and the same.

Abuse is any form of behavior designed to control another person, or make someone submit by using the following tactics:

* Fear

* Humiliation

* Intimidation

* Guilt

* Manipulation

* Coercion

Emotional abuse is any form of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature.  It can include various forms of verbal abuse from constant criticism, belittling, to more subtle tactics such as disapproval, or the failure to ever be pleased. 

Emotional abuse is very much like brain washing. The abuser will often lead the victim to believe that the continual criticism, or belittling, is a form of “teaching” or “guidance.”  The victim is left feeling that she is somehow to blame for all of the abuse, and if she would only try a little harder, be a little nicer, be more loving, lose more weight, be more of this, or less of that, then all would be well in the relationship. The victim eventually loses all sense of self, and self esteem, and becomes unable to see the abuse for what it is. Unfortunately, the victim’s self esteem deteriorates to such an extreme that her worst fear is that she will be left alone, and instead of freeing herself from the abuse, she will cling to her abuser.

There are studies that indicate that the damages inflicted by emotional abuse cut far deeper, and are more lasting, than those of physical abuse. Victims of emotional abuse become so convinced that they are worthless, that no one else could possibly want them, that they begin to feel that they have no where else to turn, and no where else to go.

Recently, I talked with a woman who was involved in an emotionally abusive relationship for 5 long years.  She shared with me that she had forgiven her abuser of numerous affairs because he managed to convince her that his infidelities were all her fault.  If only she had been more attentive, or hadn’t made him upset, or hadn’t been so caught up in her own problems, etc., then he wouldn’t have have found another woman to have sex with.  The relationship was a constant emotional roller coaster ride.  He would cheat on her, blame her for it, make her feel sorry for what “she” had done, “teach” her how she could have prevented his “bad boy” behavior, tell her how much he really loved her, and make a weak apology for his “small part” in the whole matter.  He would treat her like a Queen for a few weeks, sometimes even a few months, before the cycle started all over again.  The abuser damaged her self esteem to the point that he actually had her believing that she was chopped liver, and she was lucky to have him.  She didn’t want to lose him. After all, in her mind, no one else would have her.  And too, he wasn’t bad “all of the time.”  There were times when he actually made her feel loved and special.

I asked this victim what finally gave her the courage and incentive to leave this emotionally abusive relationship?  She stated that the lights came on when her mother died, and during her intense time of grieving, the abuser used it as an excuse to have another affair, because she was “emotionally unavailable.”  She realized that he was not there for her in any real way that mattered, and she began to realize that her misery outweighed any brief moments of happiness she had known with him.  She also realized that she had survived the loss of her own mother, and she could certainly survive without this man in her life.  She walked out and reclaimed her life.

There are many women AND men who are going through similar emotionally abusive relationships. They may have lost all sense of their own self, and may need help recognizing the relationship for what it is. They may need help to get out of the relationship.  If you know anyone who needs to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship, please direct them to this article.  It may be the switch that turns on the light for them also.

With much love,

Rita