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Speaking of getting up offa that thang and dancing, I just have to comment on something that has totally confounded me.  I happen to enjoy Dancing with the Stars.  I don’t get the pleasure of sitting and watching it when it airs this semester because of my heavy schedule, but I record it and watch it when I have time.  I love seeing the dancers improve from week to week.  I admire Cloris Leachman for the supreme effort she’s put into the show.  Is she not amazing at 82 years old?  I can only hope I’m that agile at 82.  I’m not that agile now!  But I was glad that she finally got voted off the show to allow the better dancers to move ahead.  I was sorry to see Toni Braxton voted off while Cloris Leachman got to stay.  I’m not saying that Cloris Leachman shouldn’t have been allowed to stay since she got more votes, but just strictly looking at dancing ability, you’ve got to admit that Toni Braxton was a better dancer.  Anyway, I admire all of them for getting out there and putting their heart and soul into the program.  You can not only see the week to week improvement in their dancing, but you can also see the amazing transformation of their bodies.  They tone and tighten and put on sleek muscle because dancing is rigorous.  And they also seem to really enjoy what they’re doing.  Well, maybe except for the ones that have injured themselves with torn muscles and ligaments.  As I said, dancing is rigorous and potentially dangerous if extreme care is not taken.  But at the pace they have to learn the new dances and at the high level of competition they face, they can’t afford not to take risks. 

So, with all that said, here’s what’s really bugging me.  Cheryl Burke, one of the professional dancers, has been getting a lot of grief because of her weight gain from last year’s show.  I’ve read all kinds of things from all kinds of people, and most of what I’ve read has not been very kind to Cheryl.  I noticed that she was heavier and curvier than when I watched the show last year.  My first impression was that she must have had a baby during the off season.  I could see that she was roomier through the hips, that her thighs were fuller, and that she did have a few little bulges in places she didn’t have them last year.  But fat?  Come on!  According to what I’ve read and also according to the interview she did with Diane Sawyer on Good Morning America, another favorite show of mine, Cheryl says she gained about 5 pounds over the summer because she didn’t go on tour, and she didn’t dance as much every day as she would have if she had been touring.  She says she still fits into her size 4 (yes, there really is a size 4, or so I hear) costumes.  Others, who may or may not know anything for sure, say she’s definitely gained more than 5 pounds, some even saying she’s gained about 30 pounds.  And she hasn’t had a baby although some have accused her of being pregnant.  What some are also saying is that she’s seen coming out of night clubs a lot, apparently under the influence of alcohol, and we all know that drinking alcohol can pack on the weight.  I don’t know about any of that.  All I know is what Cheryl herself has said, and I accept her word.

Now, I know that dancers have very muscular, lean, lithe bodies by virtue of their occupation and their daily routine.  And I also realize that people say that television puts an extra ten pounds on your appearance.  So, I know that most celebrities are aware that viewers check them out pretty carefully as they watch them and wish to BE them.  But having a thicker appearance on an otherwise beautifully curvy, muscular body than another dancer who is smaller overall does not make you fat!  I am watching Cheryl dance every week on the show.  I can see that she’s shrinking a little, and that’s probably because of the long hard hours of dancing.  She’s changing the same way, although not to the same extent, that the “stars” are changing.  But not even from the first show of the season have I thought of her as fat.  She moves so well, and when she moves, nothing on her jiggles.  Fat jiggles.  She just is not fat!

I think one of the things that bothers me so much about all this is that all the comments have hurt Cheryl’s feelings.  I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings if I can possibly help it.  But two of the male professional dancers on the show have called Cheryl out about her weight.  They claim that she “has to do something about it,” so the viewers who watch the show won’t be discouraged.  They claim that viewers like to watch the program because they like to dream that if they work that hard at dancing, they can have bodies like the dancers  someday.  Well, I don’t watch the program for that reason.  I know I’m never going to have a body like those professional dancers.  I don’t even want one.  But I would love to be more agile and move more gracefully.  And I would love to jiggle a little less.  And I think that’s entirely possible.

“Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.”  ~Babe Ruth

You know, wouldn’t it be great if that were true for all aspects of life?  But I fear that maybe it isn’t true for trying to establish healthy eating practices or getting out of the recliner and exercising.  I think maybe all I’m doing is just getting lots of good practice at eating things that are not healthy for me and practicing being lazy and lethargic.  It’s tough, but it’s truth.  And sometimes we just need to admit the truth.  The good news is that it doesn’t have to be a lifestyle choice forever.  I can do something different tomorrow or even at my next meal. I can “get up off of that thing” at any given moment.  I don’t have to wait for an exercise class or a friend who wants to walk with me.  That’s the difference between me and Babe Ruth.  Babe Ruth always had to wait for the next baseball game to make that strike or homerun.  I can hit my own homerun at any instant that I decide to.

You know what makes exercise tolerable until you can get back in the swing and make it an enjoyable habit again?  MUSIC!!  I plug in my earpieces and I don’t even realize how long I’ve been moving or feel how tired I am.  I’m just rocking and rolling along!  It’s great!  Did you know that there is something in music that elevates our endorphine levels?  It’s true.  And endorphines are probably the source of the best legal natural high you can get!  Here’s what elevated endorphines can do for you:

So, plug in your favorite tunes and “get up offa that thang and dance til you feel better; get up offa that thang and try to release the pressure!”  By the way, you can’t sit still when you’re listening to James Brown sing that tune!

“The past is an illusion. You must learn to live in the present
and accept yourself for what you are now. What you lack in flexibility and
agility you must make up with knowledge and constant practice.”  ~Bruce Lee

Tuesday, I lost my wallet.  I didn’t realize it was lost until someone informed me that she had it.  As it turned out, Tuesday, when I was shopping at a grocery store, I left my wallet in the seat part of a shopping cart.  That’s always where I place it while I’m shopping, and I always put it back there when I wheel the groceries out to my car and then after I load the groceries into my car, I place the cart in the proper return area, get my wallet out, and go back to my car.  I have done that so many times that I don’t even think about what I’m doing. It’s my routine.  But Tuesday, something interrupted my routine.  On the way to return the cart, I saw that someone had left a shopping cart in the middle of an empty parking space.  I had to walk right past that cart sitting there, and even though I didn’t have to, I stopped, pushed my cart into that one, and pushed them both to the cart return area.  When I shoved my cart into the other one, it caused the little seat area on my cart to fold up, hiding my wallet from my view.  When I pushed the carts into their place at the return, I didn’t think about my wallet because I didn’t see it.  I just went back to my car and drove home, never even considering that I didn’t have my wallet.  I was really surprised when the manager of the grocery store called and told me she had it in the safe there.  I was really grateful that the person who found my wallet had done the right thing and turned it in.  It could have just as easily ended up in the hands of someone who might spend the measly three dollars I had in there or worse use my bank card or credit card.  But I was fortunate enough to have someone kind and decent find it. 

I was relating that story to my office mate, and she said, “No good deed goes unpunished.”  I had to ask her what she meant, and she said, “If you hadn’t returned someone else’s cart for them, you wouldn’t have left your wallet.”  True.  But I never once had thought that I shouldn’t have returned that cart for someone else, only that I was grateful the person who found the wallet did me a favor by turning it in.  I think that’s generally true about me.  I don’t usually dwell on what I should have done or not done.  I don’t think backwards much anymore.  Although I used to live in the past a great deal.  Living in the past made me miserable, so I stopped it.

I did think about the future, though.  I told my office mate that I was glad the wallet was found before I knew it was missing.  If the weekend had arrived, and I had needed my wallet to buy gas or for some other reason, I would have panicked, wondering why it wasn’t in my book bag where I always keep it.  I might have even wondered if someone on campus had come into my office and taken my wallet when I was in a classroom.  I might have imagined all kinds of bad things because it wouldn’t have occurred to me that I had willingly left it in the shopping cart on Tuesday.  I might have become fearful of all the students who are in or around my office or even the maintenance crew who helps me by emptying my trash and fixing the heating and air conditioning when I’m too hot or too cold.  I might have mistrusted all those innocent people because I wouldn’t have been able to explain why my wallet was gone. 

Living in the past made me miserable.  Projecting into the future and imagining what might happen can also make me unhappy.  I had a wise counselor who once told me that all guilt comes from living in the past.  All fear comes from living in the future.  And so I just choose to live in the moment, and I am grateful that I have my wallet with me due to the kindness of some stranger.  And the next time I pass a shopping cart left in a parking space, I’ll probably return the stray cart with my own.  But I’ll check the basket to see if I have my wallet with me!

There are lessons to be used for our benefit in all the day to day circumstances that we encounter.  I’m glad I’ve learned to look for the positive lesson.  I’d rather be grateful for someone’s kindness than to regret my own.

I had a very eventful day yesterday.  It was my marathon day at work when I start at 8 a.m. with my first class, so I have to be in my office even before that, and then I have 7 1/2 hours in the classroom, with only one break from noon to 1:30 in which I eat lunch at my desk while I grade papers and get things ready for the next class, the next day, on and on.  So, today, I decided to squeeze into that 1 1/2 hour break an opportunity to donate blood since we were having a blood drive on campus.  I had already planned ahead for this, and I had made an appointment, which they seemed to have no record of when I came down, but that was okay because there were only two folks waiting in line ahead of me.  Then after I had read the required materials, I was about to go into a little cubicle and start step two of the process when a fire alarm sounded, and we had a fire drill.  Fortunately, the drill didn’t take too much time, so I rushed back in to get back in line.  Another delay happened when the nurse who was hooking me up to the needle couldn’t get the blood pressure cuff around my upper arm because I needed the “large” cuff.  She didn’t know where to get one, and another nurse offered to get it for her, but only after she finished doing what she was doing, which was taking a long time.  Now, the only thing that was keeping me calm from the fear that I would be late for my class, which might make students think I wasn’t coming, and they might escape before I got there, was the music that was playing rather loudly in the background.  It was my favorite kind of music, old school R&B. It’s hard for me to get upset when I’m listening to “How Sweet It Is to Be Loved By You.”  So, I just lay there on the lounge chair and waited patiently for the larger cuff.  I must admit that I did have a slight moment where I tried to feel embarrassed about the larger cuff, and one tiny little negative comment internally when I said to myself, “Self, if you didn’t have such a fat upper arm, she wouldn’t have to go get one to fit you.”  But I quickly stopped that because there is nothing wrong with having to use a larger blood pressure cuff.  They wouldn’t make a larger cuff if people (not just me) didn’t need one.  Everyone’s arm is not the same size.  Some are smaller, some are larger.  That’s all.  So, I’m glad I didn’t lie there feeling bad about something stupid.  I wanted to give the blood because I feel it’s my civic and humanitarian duty to do that once in a while.  Besides, they were begging for type O blood, and I’m a Type O Hero!  I was able to successfully give the blood, drink some water and munch some pretzels while they checked to make sure I wasn’t going to swoon, and I got to class right on time.  No escape for the students yesterday.

This just illustrates two things for me about me. If I truly and honestly want to accomplish something, in spite of excuses or circumstances, I will do it.  It’s that way every time I truly want to do something.  I do it.  I push until it’s accomplished.  I’m proud of myself for that.  The second thing this illustrates for me is that I can choose to be ashamed of myself or I can choose to be proud of myself.  I can choose negative messages or positive messages inside my own head.  And because I know how harmful negative messages can be, and because I know that the spoken word is vital to creation, I am so much more careful these days about what I say to myself.  And if something negative slips in there, I quickly squash it and send it away. 

So, I left campus this afternoon, hurrying on so I could go vote with my husband (a tradition we’ve kept since we were married) because I wanted to be there even if it was going to make me rush.  It was another thing I wanted to accomplish yesterday.  It was the first day of early voting here in North Carolina, and I wanted to make sure I voted at the very first opportunity, which happened to be 5:15.  He was there waiting for me and smiling.  And we went inside and voted in a monumental election and cast our ballots for a monumental choice:  we both voted for the very first African American candidate representing his party for the office of President of the United States of America.  We didn’t vote for him because he’s African American although that is very cool.  We voted for him because we know he is the smartest candidate, the candidate with the most vision for our time and for our country, and the candidate who has the most optimistic solutions for the majority of Americans in a time when things are bad for a lot of Americans.  We voted for him because the time has finally arrived when, as Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, we can “judge [him] for the content of his character” and not in spite of his skin color.  It was a powerfully moving moment for each of us.  And we discovered later when we talked, that both of us had paused and thought about the amazing thing we were about to do, and both of us were a little choked up when talking about it.  But you know, I left that polling place with the lightest heart and most jubilant, genuine smile I’ve ever had when casting my vote for President.  I had been waiting for that moment since 2004 when I first heard Senator Obama speak, and I asked myself and the group that was gathered in my home, “Why can’t he run for President?  Why can’t we have the opportunity to vote for someone like him?”  And against all odds, I finally had that pleasure yesterday.  My husband and I both agreed that going and casting that vote was as if it was our sacred honor and duty.  It was more than just voting.  It was an affirmation that we can accomplish anything if we really want to.  YES WE CAN!

So, I should just end this piece with that mighty declaration, but I want to admit that I am still not taking action to get out there and exercise and to eat healthier food that truly nourishes me instead of junk that fills me and then leaves me more damaged.  But, I did get a video this week called “Heavyweight Yoga:  Yoga for the Body You Have Right Now.”  And I intend to use it, and I intend to start walking, and I intend to start back making healthier choices in my food.  And when I report here in this journal that I did my heavyweight yoga and walked at least three times a week, then you’ll know I’ve made up my mind that I want to do it.  The Scriptures say, “you shall know them by their fruits.”  So, I guess it’s true that the proof’s in the pudding, good, juicy, fruity pudding!

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It’s our Light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.”

~Marianne Williamson

I was reminded of this quotation that I know so well as I was reading Ellen Besso’s newsletter this week.  Ellen was speaking about living with intention, and reminding me (yes, it seemed that the article was written just to me!) that I have not been living my life with much intention at all, and thereby causing myself to flounder instead of making any real progress.  Living with intention means that I consciously direct my energy toward specific goals or outcomes instead of just randomly meandering through life with no real purpose.  Sometimes you will hear the term purposeful living or living consciously used instead of living with intention .  All of these terms mean the same thing:  Deciding what my desired outcome is and then consciously making choices each moment of the day to move myself toward my desired goal.  The opposite of living with intention or purpose or consciousness is floundering, meandering, flailing, spinning my wheels, and going nowhere.  It’s so easy to get caught up in my busy life and just have as my purpose to get from point A to point B.  That’s normal in a busy life, but while I’m getting from point A to point B, I could be doing it consciously and making decisions along the way that get me to my ultimate goal, which is to lose some more fat from my body, gain some more muscle, and try to get off some more medications. 

So, why have I not been living consciously or living with intention?  Perhaps it is because I am afraid of succeeding.  Perhaps it is because I am afraid that when I’m successful, I will be required to follow through and help others to achieve success in the same arena.  Perhaps it is my light that scares me, and I had rather hide in the dark, covered by layers of unhealthy fat, inhibited in my movements with weak muscles, and continuing to take my medications for high cholesterol and diabetes.  Why would I possibly want that?  It is a very good question.  And the truth of the matter is that I don’t want to remain hidden in the darkness, but I don’t particularly want to be exposed in the light either.  Out there, with my light shining and illuminating me, I become more responsible.  I have no excuses.  I can’t say that I can’t mop the kitchen floor because I am strong, healthy, and robust.  I can mop the floor and vacuum the house and cut the grass!  Being unhealthy gets me out of some of that when I don’t want to have to do it.    I have no excuse to avoid going with my friends to the state fair.  Now, in the dark of my disease, I can say that my knees are bothering me too much to do all that walking.  Out in the light of health, I can go with them.  Being healthy takes away all my excuses to not live my life to the fullest. It was difficult to admit this, but I finally am willing to admit it.

Dr. Phil asks this question about being unhealthy:  what purpose does it serve?  He claims that I won’t be unhealthy if it doesn’t serve me in some way, if I’m not getting a reward for it. I have never been able to answer that question before.  But I know the answer now.  I am protected from life itself under this blanket of fat.  I think in order to finally let the blanket go, I have to be ready to face life squarely and embrace all that it offers.  I have to be willing to face the Light, my Light.  I’ve seen glimpses of it.  It feels good, but it is also terrifying.  My light requires much of me.  It’s just like the saying:  Ignorance is bliss; knowledge brings sorrow.  My Light is that knowledge that I am not everything I can be and not everything I want to be.  With that knowledge and my Light comes great responsibility.  I am meant to be a beacon for others who are traveling in my path.  I’m meant to show them the way through the darkness.  That’s a lifetime commitment to others.  Wow.  Am I ready for that?  I’m not so sure I am.  I think I’m proving what Marianne Williamson says about our deepest fear is that we are all powerful. 

What will happen if I choose to embrace the knowledge that I am all powerful?  It’s really something to wrap my mind around.  But even more than that, it’s worth acting that way until I believe it.  Another old adage applies:  fake it until you make it.  I will.  I will step out on faith and act as if I’m all powerful until I can truly embrace it and live it every day.