“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It’s our Light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.”

~Marianne Williamson

I was reminded of this quotation that I know so well as I was reading Ellen Besso’s newsletter this week.  Ellen was speaking about living with intention, and reminding me (yes, it seemed that the article was written just to me!) that I have not been living my life with much intention at all, and thereby causing myself to flounder instead of making any real progress.  Living with intention means that I consciously direct my energy toward specific goals or outcomes instead of just randomly meandering through life with no real purpose.  Sometimes you will hear the term purposeful living or living consciously used instead of living with intention .  All of these terms mean the same thing:  Deciding what my desired outcome is and then consciously making choices each moment of the day to move myself toward my desired goal.  The opposite of living with intention or purpose or consciousness is floundering, meandering, flailing, spinning my wheels, and going nowhere.  It’s so easy to get caught up in my busy life and just have as my purpose to get from point A to point B.  That’s normal in a busy life, but while I’m getting from point A to point B, I could be doing it consciously and making decisions along the way that get me to my ultimate goal, which is to lose some more fat from my body, gain some more muscle, and try to get off some more medications. 

So, why have I not been living consciously or living with intention?  Perhaps it is because I am afraid of succeeding.  Perhaps it is because I am afraid that when I’m successful, I will be required to follow through and help others to achieve success in the same arena.  Perhaps it is my light that scares me, and I had rather hide in the dark, covered by layers of unhealthy fat, inhibited in my movements with weak muscles, and continuing to take my medications for high cholesterol and diabetes.  Why would I possibly want that?  It is a very good question.  And the truth of the matter is that I don’t want to remain hidden in the darkness, but I don’t particularly want to be exposed in the light either.  Out there, with my light shining and illuminating me, I become more responsible.  I have no excuses.  I can’t say that I can’t mop the kitchen floor because I am strong, healthy, and robust.  I can mop the floor and vacuum the house and cut the grass!  Being unhealthy gets me out of some of that when I don’t want to have to do it.    I have no excuse to avoid going with my friends to the state fair.  Now, in the dark of my disease, I can say that my knees are bothering me too much to do all that walking.  Out in the light of health, I can go with them.  Being healthy takes away all my excuses to not live my life to the fullest. It was difficult to admit this, but I finally am willing to admit it.

Dr. Phil asks this question about being unhealthy:  what purpose does it serve?  He claims that I won’t be unhealthy if it doesn’t serve me in some way, if I’m not getting a reward for it. I have never been able to answer that question before.  But I know the answer now.  I am protected from life itself under this blanket of fat.  I think in order to finally let the blanket go, I have to be ready to face life squarely and embrace all that it offers.  I have to be willing to face the Light, my Light.  I’ve seen glimpses of it.  It feels good, but it is also terrifying.  My light requires much of me.  It’s just like the saying:  Ignorance is bliss; knowledge brings sorrow.  My Light is that knowledge that I am not everything I can be and not everything I want to be.  With that knowledge and my Light comes great responsibility.  I am meant to be a beacon for others who are traveling in my path.  I’m meant to show them the way through the darkness.  That’s a lifetime commitment to others.  Wow.  Am I ready for that?  I’m not so sure I am.  I think I’m proving what Marianne Williamson says about our deepest fear is that we are all powerful. 

What will happen if I choose to embrace the knowledge that I am all powerful?  It’s really something to wrap my mind around.  But even more than that, it’s worth acting that way until I believe it.  Another old adage applies:  fake it until you make it.  I will.  I will step out on faith and act as if I’m all powerful until I can truly embrace it and live it every day.